Un peu de psychanalyse

My anxiety about eventually leaving Paris is mounting. I have less than two months left, and even those two months will blow quickly by considering the next 10 days will be dedicated to travel and the two weeks after that will be busy with the bountiful papers and presentations I have due. By that point, it will be mid-May, exams will be approaching and my year will be winding down – so soon!

It appears that this anxiety has been manifesting itself in my dreams. Elaborate and convoluted, my dreams rarely make much sense, but they do often shed light on my present psychological state. Lately I’ve been having a reoccurring dream (each time the scenery and the events are a bit different, but the scenario ends up being pretty similar) where I find myself back in the U.S. about to start my senior year; except, instead of being at Smith, I’m back in high school. I didn’t hate high school enough for this to be an out-and-out nightmare, but it’s a disorienting and worrisome experience.

Anyway, it’s not really my high school: some teachers and students from Rockford do surface, but there are also people from my present there with me. It’s also not clear that I am in a high school. The atmosphere is either loosely defined or reminiscent of a combination of campuses, including that of Université Paris Diderot. But I do know I am in high school because of that magical dream sensation that tells you where you are and what’s going on without ever really telling you.

Although these dreams aren’t nightmarish, they quickly become disconcerting and frustrating. Even though I am the same age as those around me, I do feel like I am too old to be in high school. Likewise, I quickly tire of the patronizing manner in which the members of the administration treat us (in the most recent dream, I stood up during a beginning of the year assembly – taking place in a room that looked a lot like Amphi 11 in the Halles aux farines of Diderot – and expressed my disgust with the infantile treatment we were receiving and the unnecessary information that was being conveyed to us). Lastly, I seem to have already studied all of the material that is to be presented in my classes. In bringing this up to the teachers, I am either ignored or mildly scolded for having read or studied or done too much.

Now, what could this all mean? I think it’s certainly a reflection on the fact that I view returning to Smith next year as a step backward from the independence and personal progress that I have made while here in Paris. Additionally, it may be reflecting a frustration at the prospect of facing the maternalistic bureaucracy of the college. The dream may also be commenting on the fact that I will be studying a number of texts that I have studied before in the classes that I have chosen for next year. My subconscious potentially views this repetition as a reflection on my education: I have already studied all there is to study (not even remotely true) so why should I return to Smith?

The dream generally seems to convey the sentiment that I will be out-of-place and out-of-sorts when I eventually return home. This is something that I’ve been ruminating on for some time. I don’t know if it will show itself to be true or not, and I won’t be able to find out until I have made it back.

In the meantime, I will keep dreaming – and analyzing what comes out.

Ce que je veux faire avant de rentrer

As promised, here's my semi-translated first draft of my list of things that I want to do before leaving Paris. It's random and it's so much, but I think I can do it!

• See at least one play
• Finish my "City Walks of Paris"
• Find all the landmarks from the film Charade
• Watch at least one more French movie at a theater
• Read along one of the quais of Ile Saint-Louis
• Drink with friends on the quais of the Seine/Pont des arts/along Canal St.-Martin
• Watch at least one film from the Nouvelle Vague at the film library
• Actually send people postcards !
• Watch a French film at Reid Hall
• See the French production of The Lion King
• Go to the Comédie Française
• Eat a macaroon
• Go to the flea markets

• See the following expositions before their respective end dates:
  « Notorious » (le 22 février)
  « Rapa Nui, L'Ile de Pâques » (le 1er mars)
  « Instants d'architecture » à la Maison du Danemark (le 8 mars)
  « Gainsbourg 2008 » à la Cité de la Musique (le 15 mars)
  « Le petit dessein » au Louvre (le 13 avril)
  « 80 + 80, photo_graphisme » (le 25 avril)
  « Le Petit Nicolas» (le 7 mai)
  

• Visit the following:
  Musée de Picasso
  Maison de Victor Hugo
  Musée Rodin
  L'Orangerie
  Musée d’art moderne de la ville de Paris (again)
  Musée de Cluny
  Musée de la vie romantique
  Espace Krajcberg
  

• Outside of Paris:
  Giverny
  A weekend trip with my mom
  The South of France
  Bois de Boulogne
  Bois de Vincennes
  Take a day trip to one other French city outside of Paris
  Brussels
  

• Look at the gare Saint-Lazare
• Look at the gare de l'Est
• Go in Notre-Dame
• Find Guy de Maupassant's tomb at the Cemetery Montparnasse
• Return to see the auditorium of the Opera

• Explore:
  Parc Montsouris
  Cemetery Montmartre
  

This list is a "work in progress," and I'll be returning to add things or cross things out as I do them!

Trois mois et demi?!

This evening our lovely directrice Marie-Madeleine hosted an apéro where she discussed with us the impending end of our time in Paris – a mere three and a half months away! – and how we should go about making the best of this time so that we leave here sans regret. It’s the kind of thing that I take to heart, so the meeting evoked in me both a deep sadness and a thorough determination to finish the year strong.

Marie-Madeleine asked the group why we came to France and set out about making sure that we have – or at least will have before we leave – accomplished those goals. Although I remained silent at the meeting, I have decided to return to my JYA application essay to verify my true espoirs [hopes] and begin going about making them happen.

In the next few weeks to come, I will be making, as Marie-Madeleine suggested, a list of all the things I want to accomplish between now and May. It will be excessive. It will be random. But, I can do it and I should. For all its wonders and all its faults, I’ve loved Paris so much up until this point, and I just want to make absolutely certain that I have done and discovered all that I can and all that I have dreamed of while here.

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Pour ceux qui lisent le français et qui s’y intéressent, voilà mon « essai d’application » (ignorez les fautes de grammaire, svp) :

Depuis que j’ai visité Paris pendant une semaine il y a deux ans, j’ai été sûre que j’y retournerais. Au cours de ma visite, j’ai découvert qu’à Paris, les choses historiques (des musées, l’architecture classique, son histoire riche) et les choses vivantes et modernes (la mode, les jeunes, la politique, l’art moderne) se mélangent ; ce mélange me plaît beaucoup. J’ai besoin de retourner à cette ville pour explorer davantage ce mélange qui fait le cœur de Paris. En même temps, j’améliorai mon français, j’approfondirai ma compréhension de la littérature et je gagnerai une assurance.

En étudiant une année à Paris, j’améliorai énormément mon français. Pour faire mes études françaises, c’est important que mes capacités de parler égalent mes talents de lire et d’écrire. Cependant, je manque de confiance en mes paroles. Dans ce milieu francophone où il faut que je parle français, je ne peux pas rester timide. Peu à peu, j’aurai confiance en tous mes mérites de la langue française.

J’ai choisi d’abord d’apprendre français parce que j’aimais bien cette belle langue historique. La langue rend tangible ce que c’est que d’être français. Comme son cinéma, son théâtre et sa littérature, la langue est passionnée et sincère. Elle a aussi une simplicité complexe. C’est un paradoxe, mais il y a une profondeur de cette langue franche. Tous ces traits paradoxaux de la langue et de la francophonie m’intéressent beaucoup. Paris elle-même émet cette passion et les paradoxes. Elle est ancienne, mais elle est moderne. Elle est grande, mais elle donne l’impression d’être une communauté.

Ces paradoxes ainsi que l’histoire riche et littéraire de Paris m’attirent. Il est probable que Paris est le centre littéraire de France (et il est possible qu’elle se trouve au centre de toute la littérature d’Europe). Dans un cours français concernant la littérature de Paris que j’ai pris pendant ma première année, j’étudiais cette tradition littéraire de Paris qui est la ville de Zola, d’Hugo, de Flaubert et de Modiano. Paris a fasciné profondément tant d’auteurs (les Français et les expatriés des pays étrangers) que j’ai lus ou que je voudrais lire.

Comme une étudiante de la littérature comparée, je voudrais étudier en détail pourquoi Paris attire tant d’auteurs influents. Je voudrais découvrir ce dont ils s’inspirent dans cette belle ville. Pour achever ma concentration sur la littérature française, il faut que j’étudie académiquement les auteurs français, mais je souhaite aussi vivre la littérature française. Je flânerai dans les rues et je mangerai aux cafés où ces auteurs passaient leurs temps et dont ils s’inspirent. En étudiant à Paris, je comprendrai plus profondément ces romans, ces auteurs et cette histoire que j’adore.

Étudier une année à Paris exécutera certainement mes études, mais j’espère aussi devenir plus indépendante et plus assurée. Une année dans un pays étranger sans ma famille et sans mes amis sera difficile, mais comme je m’adapte, j’apprendrai ce que je peux faire moi-même. Il faut que je sois indépendante et persistante dans mes études et ma vie quotidienne à Paris.

Ce contact avec une nouvelle culture me forcera à essayer des choses que je ne fais pas d’habitude. Habiter au milieu d’une autre culture me contraindra aussi à voir le monde sous un angle différent. Grâce à ces adaptations culturelles, je gagnerai à Paris une confiance en moi que je manque maintenant. Cette expérience m’aidera à surmonter mes peurs et mes manques d’assurance pour que je puisse faire face à mon avenir en confiance.

Je comprends que Paris ne sera pas, peut-être, exactement comme mes rêves, mais je suis excitée de découvrir Paris et d’apprendre tout concernant sa langue, sa littérature, son histoire et sa culture.

Joyeux Thanksgiving!

A lot of the other girls were feeling a bit homesick and sad about missing out on their traditional Thanksgiving celebrations this year. I, too, was disappointed to have a full day of classes on the American holiday. But, considering I haven’t had a Thanksgiving dinner of any form the last two years, I was quite looking forward to the good potluck/feast Smith was throwing us.

And it certainly did not disappoint. Our amazing directrice Marie-Madeleine decided to shake things up this year and make the dinner a potluck. This way it was more traditional as everyone brought what they thought was ideal for Thanksgiving. Of course the turkey, bread, wine and cheese were all provided, but the Smithies teamed up or worked on their own to make a plethora of dishes. The selection was entirely too vast and, in that way, accurately captured the Thanksgiving spirit of excess and overconsumption.

Sometimes I question my decision to attend Smith, and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t choose it again if I had the ability to do it over (a discussion for another time, I guess), but it’s difficult to imagine a more perfect study abroad program. They have pampered us on so many occasions – to the point that some have accused them of trying to make us obese alcoholics.

And it’s more than just the fêtes. The program is a serious one and even if I occasionally doubt my ability to speak French, I know it’s improving because of it. The fact that the majority of Smithies at the dinner were willing to speak French for most of the night (after several glasses of Beaujolais, I understand the switch to English) is encouraging, and as I prepare my schedule for next semester, I am overwhelmed by the number of classes offered at Smith, the Consortium and Paris VII that I would love to take.

You may think that being in Paris would be enough on it’s own to make study abroad worth it, and it may be true, but the program is what can change an expectedly great year in Paris into an expectation-exceeding one.

On the note of language, I dreamt in French last night. That is a sign of progress.

Happy Thankgiving!